Thou shalt smoke no other weed before me
For some, religion can be like getting high — and vice versa. While Passover is behind us, another day of holy worship has arrived. But instead of burning a symbolic egg or dipping lettuce in horseradish, people are burning a different kind of herb. In celebration of 4/20, we are adding what many consider to be a sacred day to our canon of ten commandments.
And in an apropos recent turn of events, last month Israel’s cabinet moved to decriminalize recreational marijuana use. And if it’s good enough for the Holy Land … it’s good enough for us.
We give you the 10 Potmmandments:
1. Thou shalt have no other drugs before me.
I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage to smoke weed, lots and lots of weed.
2. Thou shalt not mistake other properties for pot.
Whether it be a piece of basil or a dusting of oregano, let not these false prophets lead you to destruction. Should you be suspicious, trust in your instincts and seek out the one true leaf.
3. Thou shalt not smoke your marijuana in vain.
For those who truly hold the gift of marijuana dear will suffer at your selfish hand. If you sense you are squandering it whether your mood not be committed or your goal be not to experience the holy benefits, you will not be held guiltless.
4. Remember 4/20, to keep it holy.
This day comes round but once a year. This is not to be taken lightly. Cherish the 24 hours and make it good with laughter, banana splits and tacos.
5. Honor your supply, that your day may be full of merriment and thou shan’t run out of edibles before sundown.
Be not gluttonous with your buds. Should you find yourself indulging at a rate that proves too hasty, take a moment to reflect, perhaps consume some mini doughnuts, and recognize your future gratitude for later when you wish your high to remain and you are not without materials.
6. Thou shalt not kill for weed.
Regardless of the overwhelming desire to obtain the sacred substance, murder is not the answer. Remember, if thou taketh life thou shalt end up in prison, a barren land where marijuana does not flourish. Be patient, and thou shalt be rewarded.
7. Thou shalt monitor use of new forms such as oil.
Much like the miraculous drop of oil that sustained our people for eight days, marijuana in this form can be most powerful. Some have been known to miss five flights home in a row for being unable to function like a regular person after sampling such potent substances. This person shall remain unnamed.
8. Thou shalt not steal marijuana.
This is a day of sharing and generosity. Thine high will be less glorious should it be procured in a non-pure manner. To rob another of their high is to rob oneself of honor.
9. Thou shalt not present thine neighbor with a fake pot brownie.
For a brownie without marijuana is merely a brownie, and in so proffering otherwise, is to deceive and to sin. (However, if it is an exceptionally delicious brownie, the sin is less severe).
10. Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s stash.
For one, this is breaking and entering and in so doing you will face graver consequences than the fleeting disappointment of being without marijuana. Furthermore, if one approaches the social scenario in the proper manner one will find oneself most likely in the presence of magnanimous spirits. Should they not be willing to share, they prove themselves douches, and in so doing their highs shall haunt them in a nightmarish trip, perhaps involving images of their parents being intimate. For in this world, there is justice.