The Schmear Chronicles

SOFT-HITTING NEWS: IF IT'S NOT HERE WE DIDN'T COVER IT

Scarlett Johansson: The Jew Crush
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Scarlett Johansson/JWMG
Scarlett Johansson/JWMG

Obviously we have lots of reasons, but we’ve narrowed it down to seven

To make the announcement that we have a crush on Scarlett Johansson almost feels insane: for the breathing, it is a given. The Jewish 32-year-old actress, singer and model has pretty much been on everyone’s “free pass” list since she appeared in “Lost In Translation” in 2003, (or for hardcore 90’s pop fans, since her cameo in Mandy Moore’s music video “Candy”). Full lipped and buxom with burlesque blond waves, Johansson strikes as a modern day Marilyn Monroe. However, much like Monroe, she is more than just a superficial sex symbol … though she has been twice voted “Sexiest Woman Alive.”

Seven reasons we have a Jewess crush on Scarlett Johansson:

1. Film femme fatale. Since her early years as an actress, Johansson has appeared in 47 feature films (in addition to her television roles). Among her prolific work as an actress was her critically acclaimed role as Charlotte in “Lost in Translation,” for which she won several awards including a BAFTA Award for Best Actress in a Leading Role and a Boston Society of Film Critics Award for Best Actress. She also received a Gotham Independent Film Award for Best Ensemble Performance in Woody Allen’s “Vicky Cristina Barcelona.”

2. Titillating Talmud. In 2015, Johansson managed to infuse the Torah with sexiness. She lent her breathy, syrupy voice to Mike O’Brien’s radio show “Sexy Talk Radio” in a segment called “Sexy Bible.” For the sketch, Johansson delivered passages of Deuteronomy in seductive whispers. That’s one reading of the Old Testament that might inspire some bar mitzvah boys to study.

3. Stage success. Many renowned film actors consider the next leg of proving their artistic abilities to be entering the realm of stage acting. For Johansson, she got it out of the way early. At eight-years-old Johansson starred in an off-Broadway production called “Sophistry” playing opposite Ethan Hawke and in 2010 she made her Broadway debut as Catherine Carbone in Arthur Miller’s drama “A View from the Bridge.” Her performance won her the 2010 Tony Award for Best Performance by a Featured Actress in a Play. In 2013, she also appeared in the Broadway revival of “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.”

4. Vocal vixen. Adding to her list of talents, Johansson has also developed a singing career. In addition to the albums she released called “Anywhere I lay My Head” and “Break Up,” Johansson has performed live with “The Jesus and Mary Chain,” and recorded on an album covering Tom Waits songs featuring David Bowie and members from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Pretty, pretty good musical company. In 2015 she formed her own band called “The Singles” before being ordered to stop using the name by another musical group.

5. Bubbly face of Israel. In 2014, Johansson became the first brand ambassador for the Israeli home-carbonation company, SodaStream. Even though her involvement ignited controversy, she remained part of the campaign and continued to lend her endorsement.

6. Mensch alert. Some might argue that her mere existence is a good deed, but the Jewish actress has contributed more than just her looks to tzedakah. In 2005, Johansson became the Global Ambassador for the aid and development agency Oxfam, an international confederation focused on the alleviation of global poverty. However, when she received criticism for promoting SodaStream, (Oxfam is opposed to any trade with Israeli settlements), she resigned showing her support for the Holy Land.

7. Women power. Johannson has long been an advocate for women’s rights and in the 2017 Women’s March on Washington, she delivered a speech highlighting the urgency of protecting non-profit organizations like Planned Parenthood.

Scarlett Johansson

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