The Schmear Chronicles

SOFT-HITTING NEWS: IF IT'S NOT HERE WE DIDN'T COVER IT

10 Super Bowl Commandments
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JWMG

Thou Shalt Not Peer Pressure Others Into Enjoying Football

For some football is a religion. For others, it is the antichrist. And for some it ignites dramatic analogies ... But whether your entire year revolves around the Super Bowl or the annual football showdown is the bane of your existence — it’s almost here again. Super Bowl LI falls on Sunday, February 5 and will be held in Houston at the NRG Stadium, from which either the Atlanta Falcons or the New England Patriots will emerge the victor. (For MOTs it might be worth nothing that Julian Edelman, wide receiver for the Patriots identifies with his father's Jewish roots and celebrates Chanukah. He has also been seen sporting an Israeli-American flag pin during a Denver Broncos game at Gillette Stadium). But regardless of which side you are on (meaning pro or anti football), we have you covered for the big day.

1. Thou shalt place wagers continuously throughout the game (for the pro Super Bowler). This just seems like something that makes football fans happy. So really go for it. Betting on who will win is a given: time to up the ante. Bet hard earned money or family valuables on who will have the most tackles, who will get the most injured, who will kiss their cross and thank Jesus the most amount of times, who will eat the most pig in a blankets at the party you’re attending, who will be the first to throw up and confess a dark secret, really anything works. Reach for the stars!

 

2. Thou shalt continue about your day and remain unfazed (for the anti Super Bowler). Do not fear the outside. Go on your usual Sunday stroll. We suggest avoiding eye contact with any face-painted, drunken, screaming passersby (especially if they are football fans). You can do this. No matter how tempting it is to peer past an enormous inflated mascot billowing maniacally in the breeze outside of a loud sports bar or how overwhelmed you may feel by a herd of Super Bowlers parading down the sidewalk on the way to their next destination, you must stay strong. Remember why you left your house. Now go get those eggs Florentine and enjoy the latest Jonathan Safran Foer novel. You’ve got this. If that doesn’t work, you can crawl into a sound proof bin until it is over.

3. Thou shalt take a shot (of something with alcoholic content, anything) every time Donald Trump’s name is mentioned during the broadcast (applies to both). Be prepared. This is most likely going to happen a lot. For the PSB’s this just gives you more reasons to drink, and for the ASB’s you may be thinking you won’t be watching the game, but at some point during the day, you are going to overhear some portion of it and when you do … you’ll want to be inebriated.

4. Thou shalt watch the commercials (applies to both). Come on, no matter what your stance is the commercials are a hoot.

5. Thou shalt congregate among fellow jersey wearers (pro Super Bowler). If donning the musty, antique top that most likely contains the stench of a being that passed away long ago is something you just have to do, then show mercy and huddle with fellow jersey enthusiasts.

6. Thou shalt scream at least 78 times and knock over at least 38 items (at first for the pro Super Bowler, but ultimately applies to both).

7. Thou shalt ingest massive quantities of alcohol (applies to both). Remember, Super Bowl or no Super Bowl, it’s still Sunday. Time to black out and hate yourself on Monday.

8. Thou shalt call a relative or close friend and tell them you are grateful to them (applies to both). This has nothing to do with the Super Bowl. It’s just a nice thing to do.

9. Thou shalt watch the halftime show (applies to both). That’s just good entertainment. And missing a Lady Gaga perormance just feels wrong. We're still crossing our fingers that she comes out in a knish costume one day.

10. Thou shalt not kill. Trust me, whether from insurmountable agony or uncontainable joy, you just may want to commit murder … but don’t. Keep in mind, it will all be over on Monday.

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